Inspired by Christianne, I've been wanting to do a post about my journey to femininity (is that a word? and while we're on the subject, is it towards or toward?). I want to share how I came to be okay with being both feminine and theologian.
But then I questioned myself--is it a matter of being feminine and theologian? or is it a matter of being my personality type and theologian? Perhaps both. In fact, I suspect both.
Which begs the question, what does it mean to be feminine?
Which leaves a slew of other questions: what about being feminine is culturally bound? What about it transcends culture? How am I feminine? How am I human? How am I uniquely me?
So I started with Merriam-Webster (which, if you remember, in my imagination was created by a love affair of Merriam and Webster, the unlikely pair who connected over words, but I digress). I found several definitions, none of them helpful. Here are two that relate:
- characteristic of or appropriate or unique to women <feminine beauty> <a feminine perspective>
Wow. Astounding. Got it now. - the embodiment or conception of a timeless or idealized feminine nature <the eternal feminine>
Great. Thanks.
So, as you can see, discovering what it means to be feminine will take more than a foray to M-W.
Next on my to-do list: look at women in the Bible.
In case you haven't noticed, there are a lot of women in the Bible. Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, Deborah, the unnamed Proverbs 31 woman, Job's wife, Elizabeth (mother of John), Mary (mother of Jesus), Mary Magdalene, the other women who supported Jesus' ministry, Mary and Martha (the sisters of Lazarus), Priscilla, Lois (Timothy's grandmother) and Eunice (Timothy's mother), to name a fraction. These women learned, taught, led, worked, mothered, submitted, stood up, gave bad advice, gave good advice, served, gave, sacrificed, and did three thousand other things. I'm not sure that I can draw conclusions from these women about what it means to be feminine as much as I can draw conclusions from these women about what it means to be human: created in the image of God, fallen, and unique.
What about passages in the Bible where the authors talk about what woman should and shouldn't do--Peter in his first letter, Paul in 1 Timothy and in one of the Corinthians letters (I don't remember which and I'm too lazy to look it up right now), or Jesus addressing Mary and Martha about which thing is needed?
But that brings into the question what problem Peter and Paul and Jesus addressed. And if they're addressing specific problems that hindered the woman's relationship with Christ or the community's relationship with Christ, does that mean that I take the answers to that problem as a flat-out command? Or should I consider it as a command only addressed to women? This is a more complicated answer, one that a simple yes or no will not satisfy, I believe. I will say that I haven't worn a head-covering to church recently. I will also say that I believe I should be more concerned with my inner beauty than my outer looks. Do women struggle with this more than men? I don't know--I've seen men spend hours at the gym. But I stare in the mirror at my jiggle more than Chris examines himself!
And then there are cultural studies that look at roles in men and women in different societies and personalities in men and women in different societies. For example, the anthropologists discovered that consistently in societies (especially tribal), infant care is left solely to women.
Well, you know, women have the goods.
There were some other generalities, but none that were across the board.
They found some behavior differences when they systematically studied minute details in genders, especially in children. For example, generally in cultures, boys are more aggressive than girls. (Remember, these are generalities, not hard and fast rules.) With even more exceptions (and less documentation), they found that "girls exhibit more responsible behavior, including nurturance (trying to help others). Girls seem more likely to conform to adult wishes and commands. Boys try more often to exert dominance over others in order to get their own way...And boys seem to maintain more distance between each other than girls do" (Ember and Ember, Cultural Anthropology, p. 135). Again, most of the studies done were in children. From personal experience in my marriage--generally, I'm more of the nurturing one, but Chris will often be the one to see his responsibility in taking care of someone when I just don't want to.
But overall, to be feminine, I'm less aggressive (and trust me--this does affect my resolving being a girl and a theologian!).
Notice that these are observations, not an assertion on what's right or wrong, what God intended to be feminine and what God intended to be male. Just how it is, which is both imago dei and corrupt.
And in the Bible, God compares himself both to male roles in Israel's culture (i.e. warrior) and to female roles (i.e. mother).
Which brings me around to my original question: What does it mean to be feminine?
So I pose the question to you, because what is blogging if not a community where we can learn from each other? What in your experience and/or studies has it meant to be feminine?
I've pondered femininity a lot. From the Bible, anthropological studies, my own experience and very little dependence on a dictionary, I've come to no solid conclusions. I do know what it is Ideally NOT, however,... It is not proud, nor self-serving, nor striving to attain superiority or control over men... etc.
I think femininity comes more from our natural domain. I'm not sure how to clarify that phrase so as to exclude the evident negative quality, hmmm.... I shall resort to pictures.
We are the steam in the great engine of family life, that water blended with heat which effects so much good, but can explode if the pressure is not directed profitably.
We are the buds, flowers, or leaves on the branches of a great tree, provided nutrition by the spirit we actively seek (and everyone has a spirit to supply nutrition, just not always the one that keeps them healthy).
We are the arms, legs, eyes, and hands of a body we can't fathom, and we might be the nerves rather than the muscles, but who can tell.
Everyone, is customized for a part that is meant to be different in function, but not in power, and, like you, I don't think that has much to do with gender, and rather a lot to do with God's design.
It seems by the nature of the commands Christ has given through the Bible specifically directed to men and women that they can guide us a bit in the trends, both social and natural that may distinguish men and women.
For women: humility and service, submissive support for spouse, guardian and guide of the women
For men: humility and service, loving understanding of spouse, leader in family
Apparently, everyone struggles equally with the whole pride and service issue, but the commands for modesty indicate a protection of men in their physical struggle, and the commands for submission protect the family from the two-heads-going-opposite-directions syndrome. Apparently, we naturally worked together in-the-beginning, but choosing to say, "You're not the boss of me! I want to decide for myself," during the fruit incident in the beginning opened us up to battle over leadership decisions in other areas, thus the strife curse. I shall always wonder whether God's creation was so fine-tuned to His perfect nature, that our attitude toward Him was actually the cause of the great damage to His perfect design we see world-wide. (Oops, I digress,... but I don't seem to have been arriving anywhere, so I'll stop now. Thanks for the thought-provoking post!)
I'll answer the easy question. Either toward or towards is correct. One is used more in British English, but I don't remember which.
Well, there is a feminine word form for God's Spirit in the O.T., yes? So maybe one could begin there.
I guess I need to ponder this some.
Here are my first thoughts. I am not a girly girl. I dreaded having daughters because I knew at some point, I'd be expected to do girl things. My first daughter, I ended up with an animal-loving tomboy. Phew! Then #2 arrived. I realized I don't need to teach her anything girly, because she teaches me. I'm pretty sure she was born putting glitter on everything. To me, being feminine means being the woman God created you to be. Whether it's my animal-lover, or the little princess who walks around all day in glittery princess dresses.
This has been part of my question--some things we call "girly" or "manly," but is it more about the personality?
I love your definition about being the woman God created you to be!
I hope a man is welcome to share a couple of thoughts.
First, when God created man, He said that it was not good for him to be alone...that he would need a "help" And then He created woman, which obviously fulfilled something "good" in God's purposes. The church has really contorted the meaning of that help, but most women know in their hearts what sort of help their men need.
Second, Christ says that in Heaven there will be neither male nor female, so whatever the femininity is supposed to accomplish, it is meant to be accomplished here on earth and will be of little distiguishing significance in Heaven.
Peace, Kim
Of course I'd love to hear a man's perspective as well!
I hadn't thought of the femininity and masculinity disappearing in the new earth--I'll have to ponder that one for a bit.
I'm not sure what you mean by the contorting of the meaning of help, but I will agree that it's a difficult term. The same Hebrew word is also used of God in regards to being Israel's helper. Of course, I don't think that females are gods to men! ;) But, you are right, as men and women seek to serve each other in their marriage (and, I should say, first serve Christ), they know better how to love and support each other.
Thanks for your feedback!
Age-old question.
If I come up with anything that adds to the discussion, I will be back.
(Your comment section never remembers me, so I always have to fill in my name etc each visit. )
Heather,
First let me say it was great to finally meet you in person earlier this week. Looks like your book club is going strong!
Second, in response to this blog...your biblical and anthropological musings (no, not the M-W tour) reminded me of some research that Sue Edwards, my coauthor, recently did for our new book. We tackle the whole subject of how men and women can work together--primarily in the church, since we speak to believers--as brothers and sisters in Christ. Our focus wasn't in defining femininity or masculinity, but in exhorting the church to act like a family.
In addressing that overall topic, we spent time with Jesus and Paul, looking at how they treated women both good and "bad." The sociological research on boys and girls was so good--it's way too much to spell out here, but I think you'll find it intriguing. We concluded that research can't be conclusive, but that overall we are all more the same (aside from physical attributes) than we are different. Many times there are more degrees of difference between individual men than between those men and other women. Is that clear as mud?
Anyway, this isn't a sales pitch--I'll get you a copy free if you like--but it comes out next month. Thanks for starting the conversation here!
I'll have to get a copy of that book--sounds like I'd find it right up my ally!
I think I'm coming to the same conclusion--there's more to personality differences than there is to gender differences.
Hey, I'm really glad you wrote this post because I've been anticipating reading it. :)
Okay, so you, like, totally stoked me on the way you explained your thought process through this subject matter. The part about M-W made me laugh. The part about the Bible made me think. And the part about anthropological studies made me feel confirmed in my own views/observations.
When I say that your part about the Bible made me think, I mean that this is probably the first time I really thought about all those figures being HUMAN, ie., flawed. I think because the chronicling of events are written in Scripture that I sometimes therefore think everything those figures say and did was perfect and "written" by God. As though they are a guiding force for how I can live my life, mandated by God, instead of being human fallen beings who might teach me a lot about what it means to be human but aren't necessarily the measuring stick for what God thinks about perfection. Does that make sense? So, yeah. You made me think a new thought about that one. Thanks.
As for my own view of femininity, I'm pretty sure I live in a very Western, Americanized concept of femininity, in the sense that I don't know much about other cultures around the world but I'm pretty sure "following your heart" isn't an option for many people in many countries. And that's a lot of what it comes down to for me.
Then again, I can see also see that opening one's heart and living in light of the reality of it is what it's about for humans in general. It's what Christ cared most about in the gospels, and it's what God cared most about in the OT. So maybe "heart" isn't the best description of femininity, either. Urgh.
Your "urgh" sums it up for me.
As far as the Bible humans--I had an ah-ha moment several years ago. For the longest time, I did the same thing. They're humans in the Bible, therefore, I should follow them. Which took me to some fun manipulations. Like, Jacob lied a lot. So there must be times when it's okay. So now I need to figure out when I can (and should?) lie and when I can't.
Then I realized that these are a collection of stories that show God working through people to re-establish good on earth. These are humans responding to Him in good and bad ways.
It was a big ah-ha. I'm glad I could share it!
Totally. I'm glad you could share it, too. It's going to be good to rethink a lot of my perceptions in this area. Thank you!
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